i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
