I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
