that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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