All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
