I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
