I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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