Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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