Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
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I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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