I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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