it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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