Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i've created a new STD.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
