my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
