my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
