I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
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Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
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Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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