My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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