I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
