I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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