the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
