I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The Olympian is in my bed
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.