the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
