I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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