my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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