oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
