I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
