I showed him my bush... on skype.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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