shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
