That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
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24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You don't make any sense
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