Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
