Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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