the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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