She said her name was "party"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
