your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
