Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
