So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You are a genius and a whore.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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