I molested 6 butterflies tonight
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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