You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
organizing the empties. That sober.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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