sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This is classic penis vs brain.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Randomize
