so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
