i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
