Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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