i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
