Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
