someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
