i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
