Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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