Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
