Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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