Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
