Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
