I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Randomize
