he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
