DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
