I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
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I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
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I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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