Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
