pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
