how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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