that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just gift wrapped bread.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
