I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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