I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
